A new start.

I haven't been on this blog for over 2 years now. That's so crazy to me. It's time to start it up again. I'm going to do this! I'm starting my final weightless journey. So as I sit here typing this up I decide to listen to music and what is the first song that comes on? "Who Will Save Your Souls" By Jewel. How fitting. Really how are you supposed to help anyone if you won't help yourself first? This is so true to me. I'm tried of thinking someone else will help me or push me, when really who it comes to down to is me. That's it. I can't rely on anyone else for my own happiness or my own success. I have to rely on myself. I've done a lot of changing over the last year or so and I'm very proud of who I've become and who I'm becoming, but I need more. I need to take control of the rest of my becoming. And it's time. Did you know that most people will make New Years resolutions 5 years in a row before doing something serious about it? 5 years?! That's insane to me! BUT, I look back at home many years now I've wanted to lose the weight only for a year to go by with many more pounds ADDED on. I'm done. I'm not happy, I'm not healthy, I'm not ME. I know that might seem weird to say that but it's not. The person I am right now typing this is not the person I know I am, or who I want to be me. I feel like I've been trapped for SO many years in this body. Just a shy small person without a voice, wishing to come out but scared out of her mind to try. With the help of the therapy I've had over the last year, I now have a voice. I"m a much different person than I was a year ago. I'm much more sure of my voice and my thoughts. I know what I want and I'm not afraid of speaking up for it. I've worked the last year on being able to do that. Now it's time to take it to the next level. Now it's time to break down this barrier that's preventing the REAL me to shine through. It's time to do things for ME. My baby will be four this year, she's not much of a baby really. I'm done with that phase, and as weird as it may be for me to think I'm done with it, it gives me such a surge of excitement and hope! I'm excited to move on at the new stage, at the new life I'm going have. I know this is it. I've found a great friend that's a wellness coach. She's going to help me do this. I know it's going to be hard at times but it can't be any harder than looking at myself in pictures, or the mirror and hating what's looking back at me. Or at not being able to go have fun with my kids and being embarrassed for them and for me that I couldn't do it cause I am so overweight. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing on that. I'm tired of putting so much into my fear and my past and letting it hold me back. I'm done with it. I'm done with it holding tightly onto what I want, and who I am. It's time to leave it in the past, where it belongs.

So here's my beginning weight. 268.4. Ouch. To think about a year and half ago I had gotten down to 220...It's time.